when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
