I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
two words...techno handjob
I miss vodka workout Fridays
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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