Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
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