Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
