I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
NoShamevember. You game?
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
