I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I need water and some morals
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Randomize
