so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
