There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Randomize
