weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
