Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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