i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
my sisters under your porch take her home
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
