Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
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