Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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