I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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