Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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