one might say we're banned from that church
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Randomize
