i just sent this text using only my big toe
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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