i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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