shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
i permit you to call me
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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