His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
