The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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