today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
You made out with two different species that night
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
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