1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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