you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Randomize
