i was born a porn star she said
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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