They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I stole a fireplace last night.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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