There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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