when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
