I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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