I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
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