We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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