Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
