Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Randomize
