she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
