I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
