I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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