Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
