Just took my morning after pill in the library
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Randomize
