Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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