four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
