A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
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