Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
