so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
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