It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
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