Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
