end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
