i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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