Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
