omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
pop tarts are not kleenex
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
