You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
that is very illegal...i love you.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
