Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
