nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
time to smoke my breakfast
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
MIDGETS
????
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Randomize
