How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
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