Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize