Plan B is the new Plan A
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
My bed smells like the plague
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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